For a long time, I believed that dismissive avoidants were just deeply wounded people who needed patience, understanding, and the right kind of love to feel safe. I used to think, It’s not their fault they behave this way—it’s just trauma. But after experiencing relationship after relationship with emotionally unavailable men, I’ve come to a stark realization:  

Dismissive avoidants are not good people.  

Yes, I said it. And I stand by it.  

Why We Keep Making Excuses for Them  

When you care about someone, it’s easy to justify their behavior. They just had a tough childhood. They just need time. They just need space. They don’t mean to hurt me—it’s just how they are.  

Sound familiar?  

The problem is, none of that actually excuses how they treat people. There is no amount of trauma that justifies stringing people along, withholding affection, avoiding accountability, or leaving emotional destruction in their wake. There is no excuse for how they make people feel unworthy, unseen, and abandoned while pretending to be innocent in the process.  

Trauma explains behavior, but it does not excuse it.  

At the end of the day, we judge people by their actions—not their trauma. And the actions of a dismissive avoidant person are often incredibly selfish, hurtful, and even cruel.  

The Pattern of Emotional Neglect and Self-Preservation  

Dismissive avoidants live their lives in self-preservation mode. Everything they do is about avoiding vulnerability and protecting themselves from emotional discomfort.  

• They will engage just enough to keep you around but not enough to make you feel truly valued.  
• They will pull away the moment you express any need for real intimacy.  
• They will gaslight you into believing you are the problem for wanting normal, human emotional connection.  
• They will abandon you without a second thought the moment things get too real, only to return when it suits them.  
• They will blame you for having expectations rather than taking responsibility for their own emotional limitations.  

And they do all of this while acting completely detached, unemotional, and unbothered.  

That’s not just trauma. That’s selfishness.  

Why I No Longer Give Them the Benefit of the Doubt 

I’ve spent enough time being patient, understanding, and giving grace to people who do not deserve it. I have allowed dismissive avoidants to hurt me, to manipulate my emotions, and to waste my time because I believed in their potential.  

But I am done.  

From now on, the moment I recognize dismissive avoidant behavior, I will walk away without explanation.  

I used to think ghosting was cruel. Now, I realize that being emotionally abandoned by a dismissive avoidant person is much crueler. Why should I extend the courtesy of a conversation when they have never once extended me the courtesy of true emotional availability?  

They do not deserve my words. They do not deserve my patience. They do not deserve the privilege of knowing why I left.  

Protecting My Peace  

I am choosing myself. I am choosing my mental health, emotional well-being, and future happiness.  

There are plenty of men out there who are emotionally available, loving, and capable of deep, meaningful relationships. Those are the men who deserve my time.  

As for dismissive avoidants?  

I am done wasting my breath.  

And I will never, ever make excuses for them again.  

Have you encountered dismissive avoidant behavior in a relationship? What was your experience? Drop a comment below. Let’s have this conversation.