Introduction: When Love Feels Like a Trap

Have you ever felt deeply attached to someone, even when that relationship left you feeling unseen, unfulfilled, or emotionally starved? You logically know you deserve more, yet the thought of letting go fills you with unbearable anxiety. If this sounds familiar, you may have experienced trauma bonding- a psychological attachment that keeps you hooked on a relationship that ultimately harms you.  

For those who have been in relationships with dismissive avoidants, trauma bonding is especially common. These partners are emotionally distant, unpredictable, and resistant to intimacy—yet, paradoxically, their withdrawal can make them feel even more valuable and desirable.  

In this article, we’ll break down what trauma bonding is, why it happens in relationships with avoidant partners, and how to free yourself from its grip.  

What Is Trauma Bonding?

Trauma bonding occurs when a relationship cycles between emotional highs and lows, creating a sense of addiction to the person causing the distress. Instead of feeling secure and at peace in the relationship, you feel trapped in an emotional rollercoaster—relieved and euphoric when they give you attention but anxious and desperate when they withdraw.  

It’s often mistaken for deep love, but in reality, it’s a chemical and psychological response to inconsistent affection. Your brain releases dopamine and oxytocin during the good moments, reinforcing your emotional dependence, and then floods you with cortisol and stress hormones when they pull away, making you crave their presence even more.  

How Trauma Bonds Form in Dismissive Avoidant Relationships  

Dismissive avoidants—like Mark in my own experience—keep their partners at arm’s length. They fear emotional intimacy, view dependence as weakness, and often shut down emotionally rather than engage in meaningful connection. At first, they may present as charming, easygoing, and even deeply interested in you. But over time, they retreat, avoid difficult conversations, and resist emotional closeness.  

This creates a cycle:  

1. Pursuit Phase: You feel connected, they are responsive, and you get a taste of emotional closeness.  

2. Avoidance Phase: They begin withdrawing, creating distance, and shutting down communication.  

3. Anxiety Phase: You feel rejected, try harder to get their attention, and feel desperate for reassurance.  

4. Reconnection Phase: They give just enough affection or attention to keep you from leaving, restarting the cycle.  

Over time, this pattern strengthens the trauma bond, making it harder to walk away despite knowing the relationship isn’t meeting your needs.  

Why It Feels Impossible to Leave 

When you’re trauma bonded, logic alone isn’t enough to break free. You feel emotionally addicted to your partner because your brain has been trained to associate their small moments of affection with relief from pain- similar to how a gambler chases the next big win despite massive losses.  

Common thoughts that reinforce the trauma bond include:  

• “They love me, they just struggle to show it.”  
• “Maybe if I communicate better, they’ll open up.”  
• “If I leave, I’ll never find someone I connect with this deeply again.” 
• “They have issues, but I understand them better than anyone else.”

I had many of these thoughts in my relationship with Mark. I spent so much time trying to decode his emotions, waiting for him to open up, believing that if I just showed him enough love, he’d finally let me in. But the truth is, dismissive avoidants don’t change unless they actively choose to do the deep inner work—and most never will.  

How to Break the Trauma Bond  

1. Recognize That It’s a Bond, Not Love  

Love should make you feel safe, secure, and cherished—not anxious, on edge, and desperate for validation. If your relationship feels like a battle for emotional closeness, it’s not love—it’s trauma bonding.  

2. Go No Contact (or Set Firm Boundaries)

   If possible, going **no contact** is the fastest way to break the bond. Dismissive avoidants often return when they sense you pulling away, but not because they’ve changed—only to reestablish control. If no contact isn’t possible, **set clear emotional boundaries.**  

3. Heal Your Own Attachment Wounds  

 Trauma bonding doesn’t happen randomly—it’s often linked to childhood wounds, fears of abandonment, or self-worth issues. Work on:  

•    Rebuilding your self-esteem through self-care, therapy, and personal growth.  
•    Challenging anxious thoughts that keep you tied to the relationship.  
•    Finding fulfillment outside of relationships, whether through travel, hobbies, or career ambitions.  

4. Seek Relationships That Feel Secure  

Secure partners don’t make you guess where you stand. They communicate openly, show consistent affection, and don’t retreat when emotions get deep. Once you’ve experienced that kind of relationship, you’ll wonder why you ever fought so hard for breadcrumbs from an avoidant.  

Final Thoughts: You Deserve More  

If you’ve been trauma bonded to an avoidant partner, you’re not alone. The pain of feeling emotionally rejected by someone you love is incredibly real. But the good news? You can break free.  

Looking back at my time with Mark, I now see that I wasn’t in love with him as much as I was addicted to the hope of what we could have been. I was waiting for him to transform into the partner I needed, rather than accepting who he actually was.  

If you’re stuck in a trauma bond, the biggest act of self-love you can take is choosing yourself. The moment you stop chasing unavailable people and start prioritizing your own happiness, you’ll finally be free.  

Are You Ready to Let Go?  

If this article resonated with you, share your thoughts in the comments. Have you experienced a trauma bond? What helped you break free?