Date Published: March 6, 2025
In recent years, the term “narcissist” has been thrown around frequently, especially by people processing painful breakups. It’s an easy label to use when someone has hurt you, shut you out, or refused to engage in emotional depth. But not everyone who exhibits cold, dismissive, or even cruel behavior is a narcissist. In reality, many of these people are dismissive avoidants, and while the impact on relationships can feel similar, the underlying psychology is very different.
Through my experience with Mark, I’ve come to see firsthand the difference between narcissism and dismissive avoidant attachment. At times, I wondered if Mark was a narcissist—after all, he had some behaviors that seemed eerily similar to what people describe as narcissistic: emotional detachment, avoidance of accountability, a pattern of leaving first, and an inability to validate my emotions. But what I ultimately realized was that he wasn’t motivated by a need for power, admiration, or superiority—he was motivated by fear.
This article breaks down the key differences between true narcissism and dismissive avoidant attachment and how they play out in relationships.
The Core Difference: Control vs. Fear
At their core, narcissists and dismissive avoidants both avoid deep emotional intimacy, but for different reasons:
- A narcissist avoids it because they see relationships as a means to an end—a way to extract admiration, validation, or control. They manipulate, gaslight, and distort reality to maintain power.
- A dismissive avoidant avoids it because they see relationships as a threat to their emotional independence. They withdraw, downplay, or outright reject emotional intimacy to avoid feeling vulnerable.
Both types of people will pull away when emotional depth is required, but their motives are different.
Case Study: My Experience With Mark
Mark and I were married, and while our relationship started off smoothly, it began unraveling when I needed more than surface-level companionship. The moment I started pushing for deep emotional connection, accountability, and real change, he withdrew.
1. He Left First to Maintain Control
One pattern I noticed was that Mark always needed to be the one to leave. When we had conflict, he would emotionally check out first, and when our marriage was crumbling, he told me he wanted a divorce.
A narcissist does this as a power move—they discard people to maintain control over them and often return later when they feel like it.
A dismissive avoidant does this as a self-protection move—they’d rather leave first than risk being left.
Mark’s decision to leave before I could wasn’t about power over me, but about protecting himself from emotional vulnerability. He even admitted, “If I come back, I give you the power to leave me again.” That’s not a narcissist speaking—it’s someone who deeply fears emotional rejection.
2. He Avoided Vulnerability at All Costs
One of the hallmarks of narcissism is a lack of genuine emotion—they might pretend to be emotional when it benefits them, but they rarely feel deeply connected to others. Avoidants, on the other hand, feel deeply but suppress it out of fear.
Mark was not an unfeeling person. In fact, at one point, he cried about missing our family life together. But the moment he realized he was being vulnerable, he shut it down. He refused to talk about it further, quickly covering up any emotional openness with dismissal.
A narcissist would have used that moment to manipulate me—dangling false hope or guilt-tripping me.
Mark didn’t do that. Instead, he just shut down. He didn’t want to manipulate me—he just wanted to escape the discomfort of his own emotions.
3. He Dismissed My Dreams and Successes
When I told Mark I was writing a book, he dismissed it immediately: “You’re not going to get a book deal. Let’s be real.”
A narcissist would say this out of pure superiority—they need to be the most important and successful person in the room, so they tear others down to feel bigger.
A dismissive avoidant says this out of emotional detachment and avoidance.
For Mark, seeing me grow and change was unsettling. It meant I was moving forward without him, and rather than confronting what that meant for him, he minimized it. He didn’t need to be above me—he just needed to create distance between himself and anything that might bring up emotions he didn’t want to feel.
4. When I Was Truly Moving On, He Cut Contact Completely
Even after our divorce, Mark and I remained in contact, mostly as a way to maintain a familiar connection without real emotional risk. But when I finally started making real moves toward independence—like planning my Latin America adventure—he suddenly wanted nothing to do with me.
A narcissist would have been enraged and tried to hoover me back in, not wanting me to move on without them.
A dismissive avoidant just wants to remove the trigger that’s making them feel emotions they don’t want to process.
Mark didn’t want to “win me back”—he just wanted me out of sight, out of mind, so he didn’t have to feel anything.
Why This Matters
It’s easy to label an avoidant person a narcissist when they:
- Seem indifferent to your pain
- Refuse to engage in deep conversations
- Leave you feeling unseen and unloved
- Abandon the relationship instead of working through issues
But understanding the difference between narcissism and avoidance is important because the way you heal from each is different.
- If you were with a true narcissist, healing requires unraveling manipulation, gaslighting, and psychological damage from someone who actively sought control.
- If you were with an avoidant, healing requires accepting that they never let you in—not because you weren’t enough, but because they were never emotionally available in the first place.
I spent a long time wondering if Mark ever truly loved me. But now I realize that love and emotional availability are not the same thing.
He probably did love me in his own way, but he was never capable of the deep, intimate, vulnerable love I need.
Final Takeaway: The Danger of Overusing the Word “Narcissist”
Calling every emotionally unavailable person a narcissist is not only inaccurate but also prevents true understanding of attachment wounds.
- A narcissist needs admiration.
- An avoidant needs distance.
Mark wasn’t a narcissist—he was just emotionally unavailable. And that was enough of a reason to let him go.
If you’ve ever felt like you were deeply unloved in a relationship, don’t just assume they were a narcissist. Ask yourself:
- Were they trying to manipulate me, or just protect themselves?
- Were they actively cruel, or just emotionally distant?
- Did they seek control over me, or just escape when things got too deep?
The answers to these questions will help you understand what really happened—and more importantly, help you choose better partners moving forward.
