Have you ever been involved with someone who seems emotionally present one day, then distant and unreachable the next? Someone who leaves, yet somehow keeps coming back? If so, you’ve likely experienced a relationship with a “boomerang avoidant.”

A boomerang avoidant is someone with an avoidant attachment style who simultaneously fears intimacy and abandonment. They desperately want closeness but fear it even more deeply. This push-pull dynamic creates confusion, pain, and instability, leaving their partners feeling exhausted and uncertain.

I recently recognized that my former husband, Mark, perfectly fits this description. Throughout our marriage, Mark was emotionally distant, guarded, and resistant to genuine intimacy. Despite this, he would often show moments of vulnerability—telling me he missed our family life, shedding tears, or expressing regret—but then rapidly retreating into a shell of emotional unavailability.

His pattern was painfully clear in the aftermath of our breakup. He repeatedly expressed that he didn’t want reconciliation, yet he couldn’t let go completely, often initiating contact whenever I attempted to detach. Conversations with him were always ambiguous—filled with partial truths, silences, and hesitations that left me confused and hurt.

What exactly defines a boomerang avoidant?

A boomerang avoidant is someone with an avoidant attachment style who struggles with intimacy and vulnerability but simultaneously fears abandonment and loneliness. This creates a confusing cycle of pulling their partner close, then quickly pushing them away. They often offer mixed signals, causing their partner to feel emotionally drained and unsure of where they stand.

In my experience, this pattern was exhausting. It prevented genuine closeness and honest communication, creating emotional instability and confusion. Mark’s sister even struggled to find basic information about his life, as he would withhold details out of a deep-seated avoidance. Our relationship, although filled with beautiful moments, ultimately couldn’t survive his unwillingness to confront this pattern.

Recognizing that your partner is a boomerang avoidant is the first step toward clarity. Once you see this pattern, you can begin understanding that their actions are rooted in fear, not deliberate cruelty. However, understanding it doesn’t mean tolerating it. Healing requires setting clear boundaries, prioritizing your emotional well-being, and ultimately accepting that you deserve a relationship built on openness, honesty, and consistent intimacy.

Choosing to move on from Mark was painful, but essential. It doesn’t mean I don’t still care deeply or experience moments of sadness or longing. Letting go isn’t a one-time act—it’s an ongoing journey. But by naming and understanding this dynamic, I have empowered myself to choose relationships that align with my emotional needs and values.

If you’re navigating a relationship with a boomerang avoidant, know this: You cannot “fix” or change them. Healing must come from within them, through conscious effort and genuine willingness to change. Your role is to care for yourself, embrace clarity, and create a future where your heart feels safe, loved, and truly seen.

Remember, you deserve a love that’s consistent, honest, and emotionally available. Don’t settle for the confusion of the boomerang avoidant cycle. Instead, honor your worth, embrace clarity, and confidently choose a path toward authentic love and connection.