Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship. But how we experience, process, and respond to conflict is shaped by our attachment style—our ingrained patterns of relating to others that develop in childhood and continue into adulthood.

For some, conflict is an opportunity for growth and deeper connection. For others, it’s a threat—something to avoid at all costs. Understanding how different attachment styles perceive and handle conflict can help us navigate our relationships more effectively, especially when we find ourselves in a dynamic where our conflict styles seem completely mismatched.

Dismissive avoidants, like Mark, often see conflict as something overwhelming, stressful, and ultimately pointless. To them, conflict isn’t about resolving differences—it’s a sign that the relationship itself is unstable.

How They Perceive Conflict:

• Conflict = Criticism. Even small disagreements can feel like an attack on their worth.
• They feel trapped. Conflict makes them feel suffocated and controlled, reinforcing their fear of emotional dependence.
• They see it as proof of incompatibility. If conflict arises, they often interpret it as a sign that the relationship is doomed.
• They shut down. Instead of engaging, they withdraw, stonewall, or become emotionally detached.

How They Respond to Conflict:

• They minimize the issue and say things like, “It’s not a big deal,” or “Why are you making this a thing?”
• They avoid discussing emotions and shift to logic, trying to “solve” the issue without addressing feelings.
• They pull away—physically or emotionally—until the conflict subsides.
• If pushed too hard, they may end the relationship altogether to escape the emotional intensity.

For a dismissive avoidant, avoiding conflict is a survival mechanism. They associate emotional intensity with discomfort, loss of control, and the risk of being hurt.

People with an anxious attachment style experience conflict in a completely different way. Rather than avoiding it, they see conflict as a pathway to deeper emotional connection.

How They Perceive Conflict:

• Conflict = A test of love. If their partner is willing to engage and work through things, it means they care.
• Silence is terrifying. When their partner pulls away or goes quiet, they feel rejected and abandoned.
• They fear being “too much.” They feel emotions intensely but also worry that their needs are overwhelming for their partner.
• They feel misunderstood. They don’t want to fight for the sake of fighting—they just want to be heard.

How They Respond to Conflict:

• They pursue connection during conflict, wanting to talk things through immediately.
• They seek reassurance and may ask questions like, “Do you still love me?” or “Are we okay?”
• They escalate when ignored—if their partner withdraws, they may push harder to get a response.
• They struggle with self-soothing and rely on their partner to make them feel secure again.

For an anxiously attached person, conflict is a way to reach their partner emotionally. When their partner avoids or shuts down, it reinforces their deepest fear: “I’m not important to you.”

Someone with a secure attachment style sees conflict as neither terrifying nor overwhelming. They understand that disagreements are a natural part of any close relationship and believe that conflict can be resolved through honest communication and mutual respect.

How They Perceive Conflict:

• Conflict = An opportunity. They see it as a chance to understand their partner better.
• They don’t take it personally. They assume their partner has good intentions.
• They believe in resolution. They trust that no matter the disagreement, the relationship will be okay.

How They Respond to Conflict:

• They stay calm and engaged rather than withdrawing or escalating.
• They listen actively and validate their partner’s feelings, even if they don’t agree.
• They communicate their needs clearly without blaming or attacking.
• They focus on solutions rather than winning the argument.

A securely attached person feels safe in their relationship, so conflict isn’t threatening—it’s just another part of being close to someone.

One of the most common and painful relationship dynamics is when an anxious person and a dismissive avoidant enter a cycle of conflict that neither knows how to break.

1. The Anxious Partner Wants Connection:

• They express frustration, seeking reassurance and emotional closeness.

1. The Avoidant Partner Feels Overwhelmed:

• They withdraw emotionally, shut down, or avoid the conversation altogether.

1. The Anxious Partner Panics:

• They escalate, push harder, or become more emotional in an attempt to get a response.

1. The Avoidant Partner Withdraws Further:

• Feeling smothered, they retreat completely, making the anxious partner even more desperate.

And the cycle continues—until someone gives up, breaks up, or chooses to step out of the pattern.

If you recognize yourself in this dynamic, awareness is the first step. The goal isn’t to change your attachment style overnight, but to recognize your triggers and develop healthier responses to conflict.

For Avoidants:

• Practice emotional openness. Even if it’s uncomfortable, express how you feel instead of shutting down.
• Recognize that conflict isn’t a threat. Avoiding it doesn’t make it go away—it just creates resentment.
• Self-soothe in healthy ways. Instead of withdrawing completely, communicate that you need space but will return to the conversation.

For Anxiously Attached People:

• Regulate your emotions first. Take deep breaths, go for a walk—don’t expect your partner to be your only source of reassurance.
• Respect your partner’s need for space. If they withdraw, avoid chasing them. Give them time to come back.
• Communicate your needs directly. Instead of saying “You don’t care about me”, try “I feel disconnected, and I’d love to talk about it when you’re ready.”

For Both:

• Approach conflict with curiosity, not blame. Ask, “Help me understand where you’re coming from,” rather than making accusations.
• Set ground rules for arguments. Agree to take breaks if emotions get too high but always commit to returning to the conversation.
• Work on self-awareness. Recognizing your triggers and attachment tendencies can prevent you from falling into destructive patterns.

At its core, conflict isn’t the problem—it’s how we handle it that determines the success of a relationship.

• Dismissive avoidants need to learn that conflict doesn’t mean losing their independence.
• Anxiously attached people need to learn that conflict doesn’t mean they’re being abandoned.
• Securely attached individuals can help set the tone by modeling calm, open communication.

If you find yourself in a relationship where conflict feels impossible to resolve, it may not be because you’re “incompatible.” It may just be that your attachment styles are clashing—and that’s something you can work on.

The key is recognizing the pattern, stepping out of it, and choosing a different way to engage.

What about you?

Do you recognize yourself in any of these descriptions? How do you typically handle conflict? Let me know in the comments—I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Uncharted Horizons is about breaking free from the past, embracing new adventures, and building a life that feels authentic and fulfilling. Follow my journey as I navigate healing, independence, and a life of adventure in Latin America.