When people talk about dismissive avoidant attachment, it’s often reduced to a simple idea:  

“He’s scared to love. If I just give him space and show him that I’m safe, he’ll eventually come around.”  

But anyone who has actually been in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant partner knows that this explanation barely scratches the surface. The reality is far more complex—and far more destructive.  

Dismissive avoidant people aren’t just afraid of love.

They are fundamentally incapable of emotional intimacy in the way that a healthy relationship requires.  

A dismissive avoidant partner doesn’t just withdraw when things get serious. They:  

– Avoid vulnerability at all costs. 

– Refuse to take accountability for their actions.

– Blame-shift to avoid emotional discomfort.  

– Stonewall or push people away as a defense mechanism. 

A dismissive avoidant partner doesn’t just fear love— they fear being seen.  

Because being truly seen requires honesty, vulnerability, and accountability—things they aren’t capable of offering.  

What Dismissive Avoidance Looks Like in Real Life  

Let’s break down a real conversation I had with my ex-husband Mark. This isn’t just about our relationship—it’s a case study in how dismissive avoidants behave when faced with emotional intimacy, accountability, or any level of real connection.  

How Avoidants Deflect & Blame-Shift

Mark: 

“You call me selfish and entitled, but that’s exactly how you’re acting. You want the veterans discount? That’s fucking ridiculous. I miss the kids, I wish I could see them more, I don’t miss us.”  

Key Avoidant Tactics at Play:

Deflection – Instead of answering my original question (why he was pushing me away after I announced my Latin America plans), he derailed the conversation to talk about the veterans discount issue.  

Blame-Shifting – Instead of acknowledging his own pattern of avoidance, he turned the blame on me, accusing me of selfishness.  

Surface-Level Engagement – He admitted to missing “family life” but not missing me. This is a hallmark of dismissive avoidants: they want companionship, routine, and stability—but they do not want true emotional intimacy.  

How Avoidants Push You Away When They Feel Emotionally Cornered

Me: 

“You miss the family life—which also includes me. The only thing you don’t miss about our relationship is having to be accountable for your actions and inactions.”

Mark:

“No, I pushed you away, but you did the same to me, I don’t miss you, I do miss the family life, but you’ve pushed me away enough.”  

Key Avoidant Tactics at Play:  

Emotional Shutdown – Instead of engaging, he stonewalls by saying he doesn’t miss me.  

Rewriting History – He frames the situation as me pushing him away, ignoring the fact that I was the one asking for real emotional accountability in the relationship.  

Dismissive avoidants always need to be the victim in the story.  

It’s easier for them to say “You pushed me away” than to admit “I pushed you away because I can’t handle emotional intimacy.” 

The Avoidant’s Final Defense: “You’re the Problem, Not Me”

When avoidants realize you won’t settle for surface-level connection, they rewrite the narrative to blame you for the failure of the relationship.  

Mark:

“You didn’t give us a chance. All you could do was bring up everything I ever did wrong. You couldn’t get past any of it, and you never will.”

Distorting Reality – The reason the relationship didn’t work wasn’t because I “never forgave him.” It was because he never took accountability for his actions.  

Victim Mentality – He frames himself as the one who tried, when in reality, he refused to go to therapy, acknowledge his porn addiction, or engage in meaningful emotional growth.  

So, What’s the Real Problem With Dismissive Avoidants?

It’s not just that they pull away when things get serious.

It’s that they:  

1. Avoid deep emotional intimacy at all costs.

2. Refuse to take responsibility for their actions. 

3. Blame you for wanting normal relationship standards.  

4. Reframe their avoidance as “being pushed away” instead of running away. 

This is why you cannot “fix” an avoidant.  

Because for them to heal, they would have to:  

– Sit in the discomfort of their emotions.  

– Face the fear of being seen.  

– Acknowledge their own accountability in why relationships don’t work.

And most of them aren’t willing to do that.

My Personal Growth: Breaking Free From Avoidant Relationships

For years, I didn’t fully understand why my relationships felt so unsatisfying.  

I thought maybe I was too demanding, too intense, too unwilling to let things go.  

But now, I understand:  

I was never asking for too much. I was just asking the wrong people.

I wasn’t being “too intense.” I was asking for real emotional depth and connection.  

I wasn’t trying to change them. I was asking them to step up and be accountable. 

I realize now that the love I want cannot be built with someone who is avoidant.  

I need:

Emotional maturity

Accountability

True vulnerability

A partner who WANTS to grow with me  

Avoidant men will never give me that.  

Final Thoughts: What To Do If You’re With a Dismissive Avoidant  

1. Recognize the signs early.  

   If they shut down during conflict, refuse to take accountability, or struggle with emotional depth, pay attention. 

2. Don’t take it personally.  

   Their avoidance is not a reflection of your worth. It’s about their own fears and limitations.  

3. Let them go.

   If they refuse to be vulnerable and meet you halfway, **you cannot fix them.**  

4. Choose better.  

   If you want real intimacy, choose a partner who is emotionally available.  

Final Message to My Past Self:

• You weren’t crazy for wanting emotional connection. 
• You weren’t asking for too much.  
• You just weren’t asking the right people.  

Now? I’m done with avoidant men.  

I’m stepping into a life of freedom, emotional depth, and real connection.  

And I know I will find love—not with someone I have to chase or fix, but with someone who is already capable of showing up.  

And that’s what I deserve.