Conflict is an unavoidable part of human relationships. For most people, conflict is a bridge—an uncomfortable but necessary path to deeper understanding, resolution, and intimacy. But for those with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, conflict isn’t a bridge. It’s a threat, an overwhelming force that must be avoided or minimized at all costs.

If you’ve ever felt like you were talking to a brick wall in an argument, or like your partner was emotionally shutting down, you may have been dealing with a dismissive-avoidant. Their version of conflict—and how they handle it—often looks very different from what their partners expect. Let’s explore how dismissive-avoidants perceive, process, and respond to conflict, and what that means for their relationships.

For a dismissive-avoidant, conflict isn’t about solving a problem—it’s about survival. Conflict is overwhelming, not because they can’t handle confrontation, but because confrontation threatens the emotional walls they’ve spent years building.

Unlike securely attached people, who see conflict as a way to work through issues, dismissive-avoidants experience conflict as a loss of control and an intrusion on their independence. They associate conflict with criticism, demands, and the potential for emotional exposure—all things they instinctively reject.

Common Dismissive-Avoidant Beliefs About Conflict:

• “If I ignore it, it will go away.”
• “Emotions are irrational and make things worse.”
• “Talking about problems just creates more problems.”
• “If someone is upset with me, it means they expect too much.”
• “Needing to ‘talk things out’ is a weakness.”

A dismissive-avoidant doesn’t handle conflict the way most people do. Instead of engaging, they withdraw, minimize, or deflect. They would rather let a relationship erode slowly than deal with the discomfort of direct confrontation.

Here’s what conflict often looks like with a dismissive-avoidant:

1. Emotional Shutdown (Stonewalling & Withdrawing)

When confronted with intense emotions, a dismissive-avoidant may shut down completely. They stop responding, retreat into their own thoughts, and may physically remove themselves from the situation.

• They may ignore texts or calls.
• They act like nothing happened the next day.
• They leave the room or go silent during an argument.
• They pretend not to hear emotionally charged statements.

❝I don’t want to deal with this, so I won’t. If I disengage, it might disappear.❞

2. Deflecting & Rationalizing

Dismissive-avoidants are skilled at minimizing the significance of a conflict. If a partner expresses hurt feelings, the dismissive-avoidant may brush it off or turn the conversation into a logic-based debate instead of addressing the emotions.

• “You’re overreacting.”
• “This isn’t a big deal.”
• “I don’t see why you’re upset.”
• “We already talked about this.”

To them, emotions are inconvenient distractions that complicate things. They might turn the focus back on you, making you feel like the problem is your own emotional reaction rather than the issue at hand.

❝If I don’t acknowledge the emotional weight of this, maybe it will feel smaller and more manageable.❞

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3. Avoidance Through ‘Strategic Busyness’

Dismissive-avoidants are masters of avoidance, often filling their time with work, hobbies, or distractions to prevent uncomfortable conversations. If things feel too intense, they may suddenly become too busy to talk or find reasons to be unavailable.

• “I’ve been really swamped with work.”
• “Now’s not a good time for this conversation.”
• “I need some space to think.”
• “Let’s talk about it later” (but later never comes).

This isn’t a temporary cooling-off period—it’s a pattern of escape to ensure the emotional discomfort never has to be addressed.

❝If I stay busy, I won’t have to deal with this. And if I don’t deal with it, maybe it’ll just go away.❞

4. Breaking Things Off Instead of Working Through It

Perhaps the most painful part of dealing with a dismissive-avoidant is their tendency to walk away rather than work through conflict. Instead of resolving issues, they often see them as evidence that the relationship isn’t working.

• Instead of compromising, they retreat.
• Instead of apologizing, they justify.
• Instead of fighting for the relationship, they leave.

Mark, for example, may have convinced himself that my expectations were too high, rather than face the discomfort of working through emotional intimacy.

❝If I remove myself from the situation, I remove the problem. Relationships shouldn’t feel this hard.❞

A relationship with a dismissive-avoidant often feels like one-sided emotional labor. If you’re naturally open and emotionally expressive, you may feel:

• Unseen and unheard when conflicts arise.
• Like your emotional needs are “too much” or unreasonable.
• Exhausted from trying to get them to engage.
• Confused about where you stand in the relationship.
• Rejected—not for who you are, but for wanting deeper connection.

The problem isn’t that dismissive-avoidants don’t care—it’s that they are deeply uncomfortable with emotional intimacy. They are conditioned to protect themselves from perceived emotional threats, even if it means sabotaging relationships.

Yes—but only if they recognize their patterns and actively work to change them.

• A dismissive-avoidant must first become aware of their tendencies.
• They must learn that conflict isn’t dangerous—it’s a pathway to connection.
• They need to unlearn their belief that emotions are a weakness.
• They must practice self-reflection, vulnerability, and emotional engagement—even when it’s uncomfortable.

But here’s the reality: Most won’t do this work.

Because change requires effort, self-awareness, and emotional risk, many dismissive-avoidants simply keep repeating the same cycle—avoiding deep connection, sabotaging relationships, and convincing themselves that they’re happier alone.

What This Means for You

If you’ve been in a relationship with a dismissive-avoidant, know this: It was never about you.

Their withdrawal, their avoidance, their reluctance to meet you emotionally—it wasn’t a reflection of your worth. It was a reflection of their own emotional limitations.

You deserve a partner who meets you in the hard moments. A partner who engages in conflict not as a threat, but as an opportunity for deeper connection. A partner who values intimacy, communication, and emotional presence.

If you’ve been tangled up with someone who shuts down, withdraws, and refuses to engage, ask yourself:

• Is this the kind of relationship I want?
• Do I want to keep trying to ‘fix’ someone who won’t even meet me halfway?
• Wouldn’t it be easier to be with someone who naturally desires connection?

Because at the end of the day, you deserve more than someone who is afraid of depth.

You deserve real, engaged, courageous love.

And if a dismissive-avoidant can’t give you that, then maybe it’s time to walk away—and never look back.