For a long time, I thought love was supposed to be hard to earn—that the deepest, most worthwhile relationships were the ones I had to fight for. I didn’t realize until recently that my repeated attraction to avoidant men wasn’t some unlucky coincidence; it was a reflection of my own attachment wounds.

I’ve spent years involved with emotionally unavailable men. Mark, my ex-husband, kept me at arm’s length, unable or unwilling to open up. Chris, the man I recently connected with, presented himself as emotionally present at first, but as soon as I expressed interest in something deeper, he pulled away and cut off all possibilities of connection. Both men were dismissive-avoidant (DA), and I, unknowingly, was an anxious attacher.

Looking back, I see that the reason I was drawn to these men wasn’t because they were uniquely special—it was because they were emotionally unavailable, and deep down, I was conditioned to chase love that had to be won.

It would be easy to point fingers at Mark and Chris, blaming them for their inability to commit, but the truth is, I was just as much a part of the dynamic. I was drawn to them for a reason.

1. I Confused Emotional Distance with Intrigue

Healthy, secure men—men who communicate their feelings, show up consistently, and aren’t afraid of connection—often felt boring to me. Meanwhile, the hot-and-cold dynamic of avoidant men kept me hooked. When someone pulled away, I felt an urgent need to prove my worth to them, rather than recognizing that their distance was a red flag.

2. I Had a Deep-Seated Fear of Rejection

I didn’t want to admit this, but I see now that I subconsciously sought out men who would confirm a fear I already held—that I wasn’t fully lovable as I am. If I could just be good enough, maybe they would finally stay. Avoidants fed into this wound perfectly because their tendency to pull away made me feel like I needed to work harder for their affection.

3. I Didn’t Know What Secure Love Looked Like

Growing up, I never saw an example of a stable, emotionally available partnership. I didn’t fully trust that love could be easy, safe, and consistent. I was drawn to chaos because chaos was familiar.

4. I Valued Potential Over Reality

Mark showed glimpses of what could be. I projected onto him, believing that if only he could get past his fears, he’d be amazing an partner. But that was a fantasy. The reality was, he was not emotionally capable of the relationship I wanted. I saw his potential and ignored the actual experience of being with him.

This realization has been freeing and humbling. It means that the power to change my love life is in my hands. I don’t have to chase avoidants anymore—I can choose something different.

Here’s what I’m doing to shift my attachment style and finally align with the kind of love I deserve:

• I’m prioritizing my own healing. Instead of looking for love to fill my wounds, I’m making sure I feel whole on my own.

• I’m learning to trust secure attachment. The next time I meet a man who is communicative, consistent, and emotionally present, I won’t mistake that for being “boring”—I’ll recognize it as healthy.

• I’m no longer chasing potential. I’m done trying to “help” or “fix” someone into being the right partner for me. If a man isn’t ready, I’m walking away, no matter how much I like him.

• I’m embracing my own worth. I don’t need to prove myself to anyone. The right man will see my value without me having to fight for it.

I used to think my relationships failed because I wasn’t enough. Now, I see they failed because I was trying to fit with men who were fundamentally incapable of giving me the kind of love I wanted.

I won’t make that mistake again.

I’m rewriting my story, and in this next chapter, love won’t be a battle—it will be a safe place to land.

Have you ever found yourself drawn to emotionally unavailable partners? Drop a comment below—I’d love to hear your story.