If you’ve ever found yourself over-giving in a relationship—paying for everything, doing all the emotional labor, bending over backward to make things work—you’re not alone. For those with an anxious attachment style, this pattern is common, especially when paired with a dismissive avoidant partner.  

But why does this happen? Why do anxiously attached people give so much, even when it’s not reciprocated? And why do dismissive avoidants often feel completely comfortable receiving without giving back?  

This dynamic isn’t random—it’s deeply rooted in attachment theory and psychology. Let’s break it down.  

Why Do Anxiously Attached People Over-Give? 

Anxiously attached individuals crave closeness, reassurance, and security in relationships. But when paired with a dismissive avoidant, who naturally resists emotional intimacy, a toxic cycle emerges. The more distant the avoidant becomes, the more the anxious partner gives in an attempt to earn love, connection, and security.  

1. Over-Giving as a Means of Seeking Reassurance  

Anxiously attached people tend to have an underlying fear of abandonment. Because of this, they subconsciously believe that if they give more, they can make themselves indispensable to their partner.  

• “If I pay for everything, they’ll appreciate me more.”  
• “If I handle all the logistics and planning, they’ll realize how much they need me.” 
• “If I do everything for them, they won’t leave me.” 

This belief system is false and self-destructive because love and commitment can’t be bought. But to an anxiously attached person, the effort feels like a way to create stability in an otherwise unstable relationship.  

2. Confusing Effort with Love 

Anxiously attached individuals often confuse effort with love. They assume that the harder they work to make the relationship function, the more valuable and worthy of love they are.  

However, this creates a one-sided dynamic where the anxious partner is constantly overextending themselves while the avoidant partner contributes very little.  

If love is a scale, it should balance naturally—both partners investing equally. But in these relationships, the scale is completely tipped, with the anxious person doing all the heavy lifting.  

3. Subconscious Childhood Wounds  

Many anxiously attached people grew up in inconsistent or neglectful households, where love and validation were not freely given. Instead, they learned that love had to be earned through pleasing others, being useful, or proving their worth.  

If your parents only gave you attention when you excelled in school or took care of them emotionally, you may have internalized the belief that relationships work the same way:  

  “I have to give more to be loved.”

This subconscious belief manifests in adult relationships, where anxiously attached people feel the need to constantly prove their value through acts of service, money, or emotional labor.  

Why Do Dismissive Avoidants Take Without Giving?  

On the other side of the equation, dismissive avoidants tend to feel comfortable receiving without giving much back. But why?  

1. Avoidants Struggle with Emotional Reciprocity 

Dismissive avoidants equate closeness with feeling trapped. They push people away emotionally, not necessarily because they don’t care, but because vulnerability makes them uncomfortable.  

– When someone is over-giving, they don’t interpret it as a sign of love; they see it as pressure and obligation—things they instinctively resist.  

– Instead of reciprocating the effort, they pull away, making the anxious partner try even harder, creating a vicious cycle.  

2. They Expect Others to Carry the Emotional Weight 

Avoidants have often been self-sufficient from a young age due to emotionally distant or unavailable parents. As a result, they don’t develop the same sense of give-and-take that securely attached individuals do.  

– They are comfortable with others doing the emotional labor in a relationship.  

– They don’t expect relationships to be equal because they’ve never functioned that way themselves.  

If someone is willing to do all the work, they won’t stop them—not because they’re malicious, but because they don’t see relationships in terms of mutual emotional investment.  

3. Some Avoidants Are Simply Selfish  

Not all dismissive avoidants are intentionally selfish, but some are. While avoidant attachment explains a lack of emotional depth, it doesn’t excuse entitlement or taking advantage of others.  

Some avoidants—like Mark in my case—simply enjoyed the benefits of being with a giver without putting in much effort. They may have known deep down that they weren’t contributing equally, but because they preferred comfort over growth, they chose to take rather than give.  

How to Break the Over-Giving Cycle 

If you resonate with the anxious-avoidant dynamic, it’s important to break the pattern before repeating it in future relationships.  

1. Recognize That Love Doesn’t Have to Be Earned 

– You deserve a partner who reciprocates your energy and effort without needing to be convinced, chased, or bribed.  

– If you find yourself over-giving, ask yourself: “Why do I feel like I need to do this?” 

– Healthy relationships are balanced—you don’t have to “work” to be loved.  

2. Set Boundaries Early On 

– If a partner isn’t reciprocating, take note of it.  

– Have a conversation about equal effort and emotional contribution.  

– If they don’t step up, that’s your cue to step away.  

3. Focus on Receiving Instead of Just Giving 

Anxiously attached people are so used to giving that they often feel uncomfortable receiving love, support, or effort from others.  

– Practice allowing people to show up for you instead of always being the one who gives.  

– If you’re with someone who never reciprocates, don’t try harder—walk away.  

4. Seek Secure Attachments 

– Look for partners who naturally match your level of effort without being chased.  

– Securely attached individuals won’t let you over-give without stepping up in return.  

Final Thoughts: The Lesson of Over-Giving

Over-giving in relationships is a form of self-abandonment—it comes from a place of fear, not love. If you find yourself constantly doing more than your partner, it’s time to stop and ask why.  

Dismissive avoidants, like Mark, are often comfortable taking without giving back because they aren’t emotionally equipped for deep intimacy. This doesn’t mean you’re unworthy of love; it simply means they weren’t capable of giving you what you deserved.  

True love doesn’t come from over-giving to prove your worth—it comes from finding someone who values and cherishes you without conditions.  

If you’ve been caught in this cycle, it’s time to step back and ask:  

“Am I giving because I want to? Or because I’m afraid I won’t be loved otherwise?”

That answer will tell you everything you need to know.