What is Reactive Abuse?

If you’ve ever found yourself reacting intensely to a partner’s gaslighting, manipulation, lies, or betrayals—only to be told you’re the abusive one— you may have experienced reactive abuse. It’s a term that isn’t widely understood, yet it’s a reality for many people, especially those who have endured betrayal trauma in relationships.  

Reactive abuse occurs when a victim of emotional, psychological, or even physical mistreatment lashes out in response to the ongoing harm they are experiencing. This reaction is then used against them to paint them as the aggressor, further perpetuating the cycle of abuse and invalidation.  

How Betrayal Trauma Can Lead to Reactive Abuse

Betrayal trauma happens when someone we trust—especially an intimate partner— violates that trust in a way that deeply wounds us. Whether it’s infidelity, chronic dishonesty, emotional neglect, or addiction (such as porn addiction), the effects can be devastating. Betrayal trauma is particularly insidious because it disrupts your sense of reality and safety, leading to heightened emotional responses.  

For example, in relationships affected by porn addiction, many women experience profound pain and distress. They may feel:  

– Deep emotional rejection – feeling unseen, unchosen, or not enough.  

– Gaslighting and manipulation – being told they are overreacting, crazy, or controlling.  

– Emotional neglect – their partner withdrawing, avoiding difficult conversations, or minimizing their pain.  

Over time, the cumulative effect of betrayal, gaslighting, and invalidation creates an emotional pressure cooker. When a person finally explodes in anger, frustration, or despair, their reaction is often used to label them as “toxic” or “unstable.”  

The Blame Game: How Reactive Abuse is Weaponized

Many women in betrayal trauma support groups share the same painful realization: their legitimate emotional reactions were turned against them.  

– They shouted in frustration after months of emotional neglect—only to be told they were “crazy and controlling.”  

– They cried, begged, or pleaded for honesty—only to be labeled as “clingy and insecure.”  

– They set boundaries to protect themselves—only to be accused of being “selfish and unforgiving.”  

This is not the same as true abuse. True abuse is about power and control, while reactive abuse is a survival response to chronic mistreatment.  

Why It’s So Hard to See It Happening

One of the reasons reactive abuse is so difficult to recognize is that it goes against our natural self-perception. No one wants to believe they could be the “toxic” one in a relationship. So when a partner tells us that we are the problem, it can create a deep sense of shame and self-doubt.  

Another reason is that society conditions women to be calm, patient, and understanding partners. When we finally reach a breaking point, it’s easy for others (and even ourselves) to see that reaction as proof that we are the problem.  

Healing from Betrayal Trauma & Reactive Abuse

If you’ve experienced this, know that you are not alone, and your pain is valid. Here are some steps to begin healing:  

1. Recognize the Patterns – Understand that your reactions were responses to ongoing harm. You weren’t the problem—your environment was.  

2. Detach from Gaslighting – If someone continually makes you feel like you’re crazy for having normal human emotions, step back and assess the reality of the situation.  

3. Seek Support – Connect with betrayal trauma support groups, therapists, or trusted friends who understand what you’re going through.  

4. Set Boundaries – Whether it’s going no-contact, limiting conversations, or prioritizing your well-being, boundaries help you regain control.  

5. Rebuild Your Self-Worth – Your reactions do not define you. You are not “too much.” You are someone who deserves honesty, love, and emotional safety.  

Final Thoughts

If you’ve been made to feel like you were the problem when all you were doing was reacting to betrayal, manipulation, or neglect, you are not alone. Your reactions were not abuse. They were survival. 

Healing from betrayal trauma takes time, but with self-awareness and self-compassion, you can reclaim your voice, your worth, and your peace.

Would love to hear your thoughts— have you experienced this? How did you heal? Share your story in the comments.