Breakups are often painful, even when they are necessary. Whether a relationship ends in divorce, separation, or simply the recognition that it’s time to walk away, the period that follows is crucial. Unfortunately, many people, myself included, make the mistake of rushing into dating again before taking the time to process, heal, and rediscover who they truly are.

After my divorce from Ray, I jumped straight back into the dating scene. I justified it by telling myself that I wasn’t looking for anything serious, that I was just having fun, and that casual dating was harmless. But in reality, I hadn’t taken a single moment to sit with my emotions, to reflect on why I stayed in an unhealthy marriage for so long, or to do the necessary work to ensure I didn’t repeat the same patterns.

I found myself in another relationship just months after leaving a toxic marriage, and although it was drastically different from my previous one, it still wasn’t the right relationship for me. I ignored red flags, settled into the comfort of companionship, and ultimately ended up in another marriage that didn’t serve me in the long run. Looking back, I realize that what I really needed wasn’t another relationship—it was time.

1. You Need Time to Process and Heal

Breakups leave emotional wounds, whether we want to admit it or not. If you jump into dating too soon, you run the risk of using a new relationship as a distraction from the deeper work you need to do. The grief, pain, and lessons from the past relationship don’t just disappear—they linger beneath the surface, waiting to resurface at the worst possible moments.

Healing isn’t just about feeling better—it’s about understanding yourself. It’s about recognizing why you stayed in a relationship that wasn’t right, what you ignored, and what patterns you might be at risk of repeating. It’s about getting to a place where you can enter your next relationship with clarity and confidence rather than desperation or loneliness.

2. You Risk Repeating the Same Patterns

Without self-reflection, you may unknowingly find yourself in the same situation with a different person. I ignored red flags with Mark because I hadn’t taken the time to understand what I needed in a relationship. Had I truly reflected on my experience with Ray, I would have realized that my relationship with Mark was just another version of settling—settling for comfort, stability, and familiarity rather than genuine compatibility.

When we don’t take time to understand our past, we unconsciously recreate it. If you’ve been in toxic relationships, you might find yourself drawn to the same types of people. If you tend to ignore red flags, you might dismiss the warning signs again. Time alone gives you the opportunity to break the cycle.

3. You Need to Rediscover Who You Are

Long-term relationships often change us. We compromise, we adapt, and sometimes, we lose pieces of ourselves. When a relationship ends, there is an opportunity—a rare and valuable moment in time—to reconnect with who you are outside of a partnership.

What do you truly want? What excites you? What kind of life do you want to build for yourself? These are the questions that deserve answers before you bring another person into your life.

For me, I’ve realized that I don’t want a life built around routine, predictability, and surface-level companionship. I want adventure. I want to explore, travel, and build a life on my own terms. I want to meet a partner while living the life I actually want to live, not while scrolling through a dating app out of boredom or loneliness. But I only realized that after stepping away from the dating scene and giving myself space to think.

4. You Learn to Be Happy Alone

One of the biggest benefits of taking time for yourself after a breakup is that you learn to be truly happy on your own. When you are content in your own company, you won’t settle for a relationship just for the sake of being in one. You will raise your standards. You will wait for something that truly adds to your life rather than filling a temporary void.

When I first got back on the dating apps after my divorce from Mark, I wasn’t emotionally available. I didn’t even realize it at the time. I thought I was just looking for casual companionship, but in reality, I was seeking external validation. I wanted someone to distract me from my pain. But the truth is, no amount of dating, sex, or attention can fill the void left by unhealed wounds.

Once I realized that, I deleted the dating apps. I no longer need a distraction. I’m not even interested in dating right now because I have so much to look forward to—adventure, personal growth, and freedom.

There is no one-size-fits-all answer, but the general rule of thumb is as long as it takes for you to feel whole again. If you’re dating because you feel lonely, take more time. If you find yourself justifying red flags or ignoring your intuition, take more time. If you feel like you need someone else to make you happy, take more time.

For me, I’ve decided that I’m done rushing into relationships. I don’t know when I’ll be ready for one again, and that’s okay. What I do know is that when I do meet someone, it will happen naturally. It will happen because I am already happy and living the life I love—not because I need someone to fill a void.

Final Thoughts

If you’ve recently gone through a breakup, I encourage you to give yourself the gift of time. Sit with your emotions, process your experiences, and rediscover yourself. Learn to be happy alone so that when you do meet someone, it’s because you truly want them in your life—not because you need them.

And most importantly, trust that the right person will come into your life when you are fully living it—not when you are searching for them.